Negative ruminations

Now that’s a heck of a title, heh? Just reaches out and slaps you across the face.

I mostly have a rosy outlook on my upcoming changes, but there are some negative thoughts pushing around the positive ones, like bullies on a school playground. Let’s see if exposing them reduces their power. (If I extended the metaphor, I guess this blog would be like the teacher blowing her whistle, making the bullies…. see, I have to stop there. On the playgrounds of my youth, the teachers told the kids being bullied to go somewhere else. As if the bullies didn’t have LEGS. Criminy. I would last one day as a teacher, since I would pull the closest bully up by his scruff and beat the living crap out of him. One day, I would last, but it would be a satisfying day.)

So, pulling the negative thoughts up by the scruffs of their skinny little necks…

• What do I know?
  This is a catchall fear: what the hell do I know? This was the thing that kept me from writing when I was young (what do I know about anything). But then, after being alive longer (and theoretically more knowledgeable about things), I look around and realize everyone else got a jump start on me. So now, I may know more about life, but still nothing about getting published.
• Who am I to think I can do this?
  Other people write, and they have spent more time writing, and they cannot get published. I admit this is why I am focusing on just writing something (attempting to get published is a different, unnamed goal). But I think the “getting published” goal is an obvious one.
• Is labeling myself a writer an excuse not to get a job?
  Ok, let’s roll up our sleeves here. I intend to do freelance work, so I will be technically self-employed. However, I do not know how successful that effort will be (I have a whole host of negative thoughts relating to that plan, but let’s put them aside for now). In fact, let’s extend this one into…
• Can I deal with moving back to smalltown without a “great” job?
  When we decided to move back home (well, a town close to home), it was with the knowledge that I had a well-paying job, and the move would help me focus on family and my personal life. Now, however, I face moving to a town with truly dismal job prospects (local grocery store cashier, anyone?), where if I can’t succeed freelancing (or as a writer, for that matter), I will be forced to rely on those job prospects. Holy crap. This is the big one. Perhaps this fear alone will be the prod forcing me to succeed.
• Has my creativity died up from lack of use?
  Oh, you think I exaggerate. I used to be creative. I used to draw, and write, and have a “good” eye. There has been too little of anything creative for a long time. When I went back home recently, my high school art teacher tried to get me to come into her class and talk about how the students can get into corporate world. I kept blowing her off, and I think one reason was because I couldn’t possibly recommend such a direction. The scene in my head would be something like: kid asks “so, how do you like your job?” Me: silent uncomfortably long, before blurting: “No, stay away! Don’t get used to the big money and the stock options!” I don’t think that was what she wanted.

So, do I feel better? I’m not sure, but I think so. Thanks for listening.